I am
tired of a compromised liberal space where women and marriage are seen as
synonymous. I am tired of the same old story of conservatism about marriage
being camouflaged as concerned parenting that propagates the typical as the
norm. I am tired of parents wanting their female children to address the
issue of marriage even before their post graduate certificates are inked and
stamped. I am tired of hearing retrogressive arguments about how young women
only realise their sense of completion by being wives, and of course therefore
in the logical progression of this sequence, fulfilling their destinies as
mothers. I am tired of the voice of patriarchy attempting to undermine the
voice of the girl child on issues of equality and equal opportunities. I am tired
of emotional blackmail and coercion from parents to "persuade" young
women to toe the line and fit into the mould of predetermined futures laid out
by elders. I am tired of repairing the damage that these suffocating
spaces of insistence create, where guilt and desperation slowly
weigh heavy on the formative minds of children, and where I have to spend hours erasing the hurt that such conformity creates in their lives. I am tired of the hypocrisy of those parents who educate
their female children but do little to encourage them to focus on a career as
an essential priority . Perhaps above all I am most tired of seeing the
light dim in the eyes of these young women who are all achievers, desperate to
be allowed to grapple with life on their own terms and who seek to find the joy
of defining their uniqueness from this challenge, unfettered by the
manipulation of conservative mindsets.
Marriage....marriage....marriage.....This word
seems imprinted onto the brains of most Indian parents, especially for their
female off-springs. The arranged marriage orchestrated by parents or other
family members, when opposed by the child concerned, is viewed as rebellion. Resistance on the issue of marriage is combated by the elders by making it a topic of conversation at all times privately and publicly despite the discomfort of the child, and which becomes akin to mental torture and harassment as far as I
am concerned. This harassment is offensive to my ideals of freedom because it is demeaning
to the fundamental principles of free thinking in which people ( both men & women equally) should be able to make choices
about their lives for themselves, and need not have to wage wars with their families to live an independent life for themselves. The idea that a woman may desire to
choose her partner, male or female; or to have a live in relationship, or to
stay single, is completely her choice alone and must remain so without the
melodramas of family interference.
When obliged to fight with their families to
uphold these basic rights of personal choice and self governance, family
ties often become strained as these children look else where to be nurtured and
guided. None of them in my experience have ever shirk the disciplines of hard
work nor desired freebees. What they look for is to be respected and taken
seriously within their chosen field. The sense of duty that asian children have towards their families should not be abused by parents in ways that go against the norms of decency and human rights. I am always deeply saddened that Indian parents think it is perfectly alright to discuss their "anxieties" about the marriage issues of their female children with these children's teachers, instead of desiring to speak about their work, their academic achievements or their future as artists. But no....to the alter we women must all gallop before our shelf life expires.
I have intervened in many of my own friends lives when pushy parents were pressing the marriage button in panic as their off springs were not "hooked-up" to wedded bliss. One of my girl friends living in the US in desperation gave her number to an Indian taxi driver (who was on the look out for a green card wife ) in whose cab she was traveling in, who couldn't speak English (!) and who was uneducated beyond the 9th grade (!!), and merely because the daily droning of her mothers marriage lectures had caused a melt down. Another friend more recently was ready to walk down the aisle with a guy who was clearly dubious in character and absolutely incompatible with her in every possible aspect. When I reasoned with her it became apparent to me that the pressures of a mother who wanted her married at all cost had clouded her better judgement because the topic was wearing her down mentally. She allowed for intervention to guide her back on track. However a large percentage of women succumb to the wearing down that finally gnaws at their self respect and humiliates them into acceptance.
Leave women alone please. Let us live without interference with our freedom that amounts to mental torture and criminal harassment. We have skewered the ratio of our female population by aborting female fetuses for decades in our national craze to bear only male progenies. It is a blatant disregard to the issues of life and liberty that our constitution is supposed to uphold, but few are reprimanded and no legal action is taken for those thousands of female babies whose lives were stilled knowingly before their eyes could even open.
Enough is enough.....I am tired of the farce of pseudo-liberal posturing by parents whose conservatism should be questioned and not swept under the carpet. Let us address the dignity of all women appropriately. Pro-choice and self-governance is the bedrock of all feminist empowerment and no one can undermine these basic and fundamental factors of our freedom. So be forewarned as my patience has clearly worn down. I have no political correctness I wish to muster in situations of social engagement when I am faced with retrogressive parenting. I just call a spade a spade and brook no long drawn out explanations about the whys and hows of the relevance of the institution of marriage being necessary for women. So walk along buddies because I'm through with this debate forever! It's old and boring and redundant .....and I'm indignant and outraged that we are going on like broken records about women = marriage. Enough is enough....move on please!
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